Worth It

Last night I went to bed with my tear-stained cheeks and the thought in my head… just go to sleep – His mercies are new every morning… tomorrow the sun will rise.

This morning I dropped Ben off at work, followed by Belle, and I breathed in God’s new mercies… I AM going to have a good day today!  I commanded myself.  About this time I glanced at my mirror only to see the reflection of the dreaded authoritative flashing lights behind me.  I looked down at my speedometer and noticed that I was driving under the speed limit – maybe he’s pulling me over for driving too slow?

NOPE!

I failed to notice that I was in a school zone.  I needed God’s mercy in the biggest way, but instead I received a 4-point ticket with a double fine totaling $300.00.  It was the first time in my life that I cried in front of an officer.  I tried to mask it and took in deep breaths, but the sobs kept getting louder.

It’s not his job to ask my current financial situation; nor is it his job to know my Spiritual state and the fact that I’ve been through five months of brokenness, so I guess I didn’t feel the need to say anything to him.  Instead I just thanked him as politely as I could.

The tears accompanied me the whole way home as my thoughts quickly snowballed from one question to the next – I can’t afford groceries, how can I afford this ticket?  I never speed, how come the one time I accidentally speed I get stuck with a ticket?  God… where is YOUR mercy?

Genesis 15 marks the beginnings of Abram’s journey of faith.  God approaches him and says fear not Abram.  I am your shield and your very great reward.  Sometimes I think that we look for God to show us mercy through the world.  I wonder if I want my shield and reward to come through financial peace and a steady job.  Yet as God begins to take this man and refine his faith, He first lets him know who He is in His life.

And so it is true with me ­– God’s mercies are new every morning.  But that doesn’t mean that the morning holds no pain.  Sometimes the mercy of God strips us of ourselves so that we run behind His shield.  Sometimes the mercy of God rids us of worldly things so that we cling to the One True Reward – Jesus Christ.

By the end of today I felt completely drained… emptied… vacant of any “Camryn.”  And though I don’t see a way out right now, I know that I am hiding deep behind God.  I have wrapped myself in His hem and I am crying on His garment – LORD, please shield me!  I have nothing left and so I am learning to allow Him to be my exceedingly great Reward.  Days like these force me to echo the words of one of my favorite artists, Rita Springer… It’s gonna be worth it – He’s already worth it!

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6 thoughts on “Worth It

  1. Hey Cam, thanks for posting. I read this after an hour of tearful conversation about just about the same thing. Lord, we know you are faithful. Please hold us in our brokenness and draw us near to you. “These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me.” Psm 42:4 – God, bring remembrance in our deepest crevices of our hearts how you have always been so faithful.

  2. Camryn- I have enjoyed reading your posts. Sometimsit is in those moments when we feel like nothing is going right that we see God’s hand move in the biggest way. Sometimes it is not until long after the situation has passed that we seethe big picture of all that God is doing. Remember he cares for the flowers of the field and he loves you and yours much more. He will provide in ways you have never dreamed possible. I pray you find comfort during tistime of brokeness that the potter is making a beautiful creation:)

  3. What a great blog. Keep writing. It is cathartic. Please feel free to quote my friend’s dad about “Truth being asleep in the back of the boat.” That struck me as powerful. Praying you have a safe delivery with baby #3. Love to you and the fam.

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